This Thanksgiving, I am equally as grateful as I am cranky.
Lately, I have turned into a big ball of grumpiness, insecurities, and irrational emotions. It’s like I’m a teenager all over again. I am just straight up cranky all the time, and I have no tolerance for socializing, work, holidays, non-alcoholic drinks, or freakishly happy-all-the-time people.
I mean how are some people THAT happy all the time? Don’t they ever have a bad day? Or don’t they ever need to fart in public and have to hold it in?
I wish I could hide my emotions better and be like one of those freakishly happy people, but I just don’t know how. If I’m angry, everyone knows about it. If I’m happy, everyone knows about it. If I don’t like your outfit, everyone knows about it. It’s not my best quality, and I am constantly trying to learn how to “buck up,” as my dad would say. I asked my mom how some people can just put on a happy face all the time and she said, “They drink a lot.”
Well, if that were the case, Mom, then I would be sunshine and rainbows all the time.
I’m even starting to get sick of myself being so bitchy and complaining all the time. Last week, I tried this new thing at work called, “shut up and do your job” in an attempt to buck up and not show my emotions, even though I wasn’t actually upset about anything work related. Instead, it turned into me silently moping around for a week and making people afraid to ask me to do anything for them. Then I cried into my cheeseburger soup during lunch one day, and my boss told me to “feel free” to leave early.
I’ve had better days.
Truth is, I know why I am upset and I just don’t know a better way to show it. I would have been 4 months pregnant this month and Thanksgiving would have been the first time I could really show everyone that I was pregnant. I had imagined myself wearing a tight fitting top to see all my friends on Thanksgiving Eve, and my big stomach would have been acceptable for the first time. Now during this past week, the miscarriage is hitting me harder than I ever expected, and it is beginning to ruin my holidays.
I know, I know. The miscarriage will only ruin my holidays if I LET IT ruin my holidays. People that say that crap annoy me. What a bunch of bull.
Thanksgiving is in two days and I know I have a million blessings and a million things to be grateful for in my life, but I am also really angry and really sad for some other things in my life right now. I am thankful that this year has brought Eric and I much closer and stronger, but I am also pissed off that I lost our baby. I am thankful for our sweet dog, Toby, but I am also sad that Tippy isn’t here anymore. I am thankful for being able to live at my parent’s house, but I am also bitter that we don’t have a house of our own. I am thankful for becoming healthier this year, but I am also angry that I am not fat from a baby growing inside me. I am thankful for my loving family, but I am also terrified that I won’t have one of my own someday.
So happy freaking Thanksgiving, people. I hope you all have an amazing Thanksgiving, and I hope you have nothing but good things to be thankful for this year.
But in case you also want to bitch about some other stuff…you can come sit by me.