I know, I know, I’ve been terrible about writing during my pregnancy. I will try to be better. Blah blah blah. I’m pregnant. Back off me.

Since the last time I posted, we found out that we are having a baby boy!! We couldn’t be happier. Eric and I thought it was a boy all along, and I’ve always wanted to have a boy, so we are thrilled. I see only sailor outfits and seersucker suits in his future.

Okay, enough about the sweet stuff. Let’s talk about pregnancy. I absolutely love being pregnant, but so many things about it have been completely unexpected. For starters, I have learned that nothing can prepare me for what is about to happen (you know, the whole watermelon size thing come out of a tiny hole sized thing), and everyone has been lying to me about pregnancy. It’s stupid. 90% of what has happened to me during pregnancy I didn’t learn from a pregnancy book, a doctor has never warned me about, and my mother definitely didn’t prepare me for. She acts like she had nine blissful months without side effects and then just sneezed a baby out. And then she looks at me like I’m crazy when I tell her my stomach is hairy because of all the testosterone in my body from have a boy.

I am not complaining about being pregnant because honestly, I really love it. It’s probably one of the happiest times of my life, and I’m truly grateful for everyday that I am with my baby. Plus, I get lots of attention (and you know how much I like that), I can finally wear tight shirts and dresses without my big stomach being awkward for once, and it’s the first time I have seen the inside of my belly button in years.

Surprisingly, it’s pretty cute.

But seriously, people, help a sister out. I mean, no one NO ONE was going to mention that it’s normal to not poop for a week? And NO ONE wanted to mention that pregnancy is really 10 months long?

Of course every pregnancy is different and blah blah blah. This is real life people. And I’m going to tell you all about it. Below are just a few things that have happened to me during pregnancy that were unexpected. I need to tell you all now before I have the baby and forget what my name is. Someday you will thank me for this.

I smell like pizza. All the time. Yep, greasy pepperoni pizza. I get out of the shower and I immediately feel like I need to shower again because I can still smell the pizza on me. And it’s not because I ate pizza that day. I just straight up smell like pizza. Maybe I’ve always smelled like pizza and I can only now smell it with my heightened sense of smell. I don’t know. Smell me.

I am super vain about gaining weight. I always thought that eating whatever I wanted and gaining weight during pregnancy would be so much fun. It’s not. I plan every pound I gain very meticulously, and when I gain more weight than I should in a week, I feel bad about it. And the whole eating whatever I want thing? Well I only crave vegetables, and if I eat anything else, I have heartburn for days. I know it’s ridiculous, but I have surprised myself by how vain I am about gaining weight. Obviously, I need to gain weight for the baby (and trust me, that isn’t a problem), but I don’t need to gain 80 pounds. I just don’t want to get a fat face. Someone better tell me if that starts happening because I will do cheek exercises.

People (men) aren’t as chivalrous as I expected them to be. You know how in all the movies where a girl is pregnant and everyone is always offering to help her carry something or give up their seat for her? Yeah, that doesn’t happen in real life. Unless it’s your husband or your dad. I realize I have super high expectations for men and how they should treat women (thank you, Dad), but seriously…doesn’t anyone see me carrying these heavy groceries to my car? Doesn’t anyone see me struggling to get out of this bean bag chair at work??? I am very visibly pregnant now, and there is just no excuse for me to have to lift anything or stand for more than 5 minutes. Whether I’m pregnant or not. Step up boys.

Maternity clothes suck. I was so excited for maternity clothes before I got pregnant. I couldn’t wait to say goodbye to zippers on my jeans and say hello to empire waists, but it is really a struggle to find cute maternity clothes. Luckily, I have been able to stay in most of my pre-pregnancy clothes, but I am super disappointed in my maternity options.

You have failed me, J.Crew, and I won’t forget this.

Having a job is hard during pregnancy. Forget maternity leave after I have the baby because I need it now. Everyday is a struggle to either 1) Stay awake 2) Get out of the bean bag chair without help 3)Think about anything other than my cute baby boy wearing Sperry’s and bow ties 4) Be nice when someone asks the pregnant girl to go pick up beer and 5) Not fart. Most days I am happy to be going to work, but sometimes I just feel like I’m growing a human being in my stomach…isn’t that enough for one day?

Okay, I’ll stop now because I’m about to get into the really gross stuff, and I think most of you need to be drunk to hear it. So call me for drinks after I’ve had the baby.

I’m going to need it.

And a babysitter.

For free.